I got sober 16 months ago. Here is what I have learned so far.
The first thing I learned about sobriety is that it is not possible without acceptance. Full acceptance. That’s the reason why the previous year to sobriety was so challenging for me. I wanted to be alcohol free, but I wasn’t at a place of complete acceptance yet. I experienced a lot of fluctuation, with some months being better than others, some days being better than others, and some moments being better than others. Once I realized that I must surrender to sobriety, it came easily. It was like a stream that flowed crystalized, blue, beautiful water into my life. That water was cleansing, and my perspective changed on everything.
The next thing that I learned was that I was going to need to stay in the mindset that had been the catalyst for change in the first place. It wasn’t going to be one of those, I want to work out, but I'm too lazy to go to the gym, mindsets. It needed to be, this is the way to the life I always wanted to live, and absolutely nothing will get in my way, kind of mindset. I needed to wake up believing this every single day. I knew that it was the truth, so it was easy to believe. It didn’t hurt that I am driven by passion, either. I want that life. I'm here for a reason. I'd already lived the “other” way, I knew what that felt like. I was ready for an incredible life. I wanted to know what that life felt like.
Another great lesson in sobriety is that you need to change your habits, and quickly. I did a little bit of feeling sorry for myself in the beginning, but that didn’t feel good, and it wasn’t part of the mindset that I had adopted, so it didn’t stick around too long. I had a lot of empty space to fill, and not being able to do what I used to do left me feeling a little lost. Some days, I was really lost. I had to find things to do that brought me new joy. Joy that at first competed with a great deal of dopamine urges. That was tricky. For a while, I was just ok. Ok with what I was doing, not in love with any of it yet, but I was hopeful. Hopeful that the right things would find me, hopeful that I wouldn’t crave such massive dopamine rushes for long, hopeful that I would complete my transformation into what I thought was deemed as an incredible life. The habits that I adopted quickly became non-negotiable. The long-term effect of having great habits is exactly what the experts say, and the reason I have had the amount of success in sobriety that I have. In just 16 months, I have more happiness in sobriety than some people achieve in 30 years. I was on a mission. I still am.
The habits I have chosen are strength training, yoga, meditation, journaling, eating well, and prioritizing what I consume (I stick to people, places, things that are positive and growth-oriented). I also prioritize inner connection over outer connection and follow my intuition like my life depends on it, because it does. These are all daily habits. Bonus, I've lost close to 15 pounds, built up more muscle and confidence than I've ever had, my skin cleared up and seems to be reversing in the aging process, and I feel more alive and vibrant than I did when I was 20. I'll be 45 at the end of this month.
Something else I have learned is that I just needed to be myself, and I needed to be ok with that. That I am enough. That I am worthy. I think we all struggle with this in some capacity, wondering where our unique value lies. There is nowhere to hide in sobriety, and that is really where the freedom is found anyhow. I see a lot of women online talking about the magic decade for self-acceptance can be found in your 50s, and that you find a real sense of inner peace with yourself and who you are. You just become more confident, and that comes with the wisdom of age and life experience. I think this happens a lot faster when you become sober, find clarity, and do the healing work. You are essentially taking a crash course in getting to know yourself, heal, and grow, and it just so happens that the result should be a total acceptance of Self. At least that is what I have found. I wouldn’t put an age on this kind of feeling. It can become available to those who seek it. I should note that this doesn’t happen automatically. I have been on a self-discovery and healing journey for the past 3 years. But I can say that every single ounce of it has been worth it. Today, I am myself. In every single room I walk into. There is only one version of me, I don’t adapt to my surroundings, and mold into what I think works best for the environment. I simply find the right rooms to walk into, or I don’t go. Simple.
The last thing I want to share on my learnings in 16 months of sobriety is that not everyone wants change. I have met many sober people on my path, and I can see that we are not a one-size-fits-all group. We don’t all heal at the same pace. We don’t all crave an incredible life. We don’t all believe in the magic of sobriety at the same level. We don’t all believe in ourselves the same way. That makes me sad, but it also provides me with so much passion for my work. As a coach, I want to inspire others to make massive, transformative change in their lives. I want to see people healing, growing, and leading with love. I want to see people getting well. Quitting alcohol, drugs, or both isn’t a cure for sadness, depression, anxiety, or other. It is simply removing the thing that is blocking you from discovering yourself. You must want to do the work, be willing to go on the healing journey, and be ready to face whatever is coming your way with compassion, an open mind, and love.
You really are the answer. For everything. Don’t block your ability to show up for yourself.
That’s what I have learned.
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